Friday, May 1, 2015

Sitting


I park my Rav4 at the Graveyard Fields Overlook. It is not just an overlook; it is the start and end to a popular 4-mile loop trail. As I am getting out of the Rav, I watch 2 tall, young girls with flowing maxi skirts stretching out of a Subaru Outback. They have backpacks and a picnic dinner and hula hoops. I wonder if they are meeting others. I wonder if they are camping here tonight. I wonder if they will ever get cancer.

A car pulls in between them and myself – a young couple hops out and pause on the sidewalk to take in the view. He gives my Rav a look. She wears a navy jersey skirt and a fuchsia hoodie. Something I would wear. I forget what he was wearing, except a damn grimace. He says “C’mon” and they take  each other's hands and bound for the trailhead. Or maybe they were in a rush to get to the bathrooms. Who knows. I wonder if they will ever get cancer. I start to take in the view, but I turn and notice I parked diagonal in 2 spots, and that I am at least 2 feet from the curb. I can’t even fucking park right.

There is also a trailhead to the left, and an older woman sits on the stairs talking to someone I never do see. They are in the way, like they own the trailhead. So my mom and I sit down on the grass instead, which actually is not too bad – I need some sitting in the grass time. The earth is warm and it’s easier on my non-padded bottom. I take in the view with a deep sigh because I can see the trail loop down below; I can see where it wanders under white blossoming trees. I can see where it touches the river; I can see people sitting along side it. I cannot see, but we can all hear, the waterfall, not far from the trailhead to the right.

I was here just 2 summers ago, very healthy, but decided to not do the hike. The brush was intensely lush and green. I was alone, but not really alone. There was a school bus in the parking lot with 900 summer school kids. They were excited. I did not want to hike with them.

And now my body will not allow me to do this moderate hike. I might be able to get down the stairs at either trailhead, but will I get up them? In less than a half mile I will start to feel insanely sleepy. My lungs are being squished by tumors on my liver, so it will be difficult to breath. I will feel like my heart is pumping pudding, not blood. Too thick, says my heart. I will stop to rest, and begin to feel lightheaded. My legs will feel like lead. But here is the funny part: if I sit down, I will feel near 100% better. I will feel like I can accomplish even longer hikes.

So I sit, I take in the view, I try to be grateful for what I can do. I try not to regret the mistakes I made. Like not going on this hike. And I try to figure out what I can and cannot do before my death deadline. 


16 comments:

  1. Karen, you are full of grace more than you know.....do not waste time on regret....it will steal your joy! Wishing, hoping and praying for your personal peace and health. Brightest blessings!

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    1. Thanks Trish, your comments are always cherished by me!!

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  2. Before your death deadline? Karen! I am hoping it is a bad day and there is not a death deadline. When you wonder if those people will get cancer, assume they will not because they can't handle it. You will fight and you will win mama! There are many, many hikes ahead of you. Who knows? You may even end up being one of those mountain runner people that pass me on trails. Please don't lose hope. And, if you do, please borrow some of mine. You got this!

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    1. Love you Mary!! even though they didn't officially give me the "you have 6-12 weeks" prognosis, they did tell me I would not survive this. The tumors on liver are too ginormous. So, I have to wonder how long until it does me in . . . it weighs heavily on my mind some days more than others. I hope to have some good years left though!! As in, years I can go hiking again please!! But if I can't, at least I will view it as much as I can!!

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  3. I recently ran across this article and thought of you: http://wapo.st/1Nxp9gR

    I know it's such a small consolation but sometimes I think that just being outdoors -- in whatever form -- backyard, a beautiful view, the beach, sitting in the grass -- carries with it its own healing properties.

    Sending you good thoughts.

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    1. Great article! I really need to stop complaining about Charlotte not being the mountains or coast, and get out and enjoy what it does have to offer. It is really a pretty green city!!

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    2. I have thought a lot about your post this week. Mostly I asked myself, "what is it about hiking/being outdoors/camping in particular that I really love?" Immediately I thought, "I love post hike, when I can change into flip flops in the back of my old hatch back, sit on the bumper and have myself a diet coke (which I don't normally drink -- it's my 'reward')," followed by "I love waking up outside - the sound of opening a tent, that fresh morning smell, the condensation inside the tent -- and then building a fire, making a hot drink, and sitting around the fire until the coolness of the morning wears off." I realized that neither of these things had anything to do with the actual act of hiking. So maybe there are things like that for you too -- until you can get back on the trail again!

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    3. Love that, Veronika! Such good points and a good lesson to all of us that there are many ways to appreciate the great outdoors. :)

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    4. You are sooooooooo right! Thank you for thinking of me. I love how you two appreciate nature/outdoors like me. For me, it is my religion. And also - I LOVE your travel blog posts that you 2 have been posting lately!

      I think I always loved reaching the destination when hiking. Also, the shower when I got home - yes. But I do love all those camping things you mentioned - and can't wait to get out soon to camp. I have it on my bucket list to take my son camping, even if it is just in someone's backyard!! We have looked into RV rentals but they are just SO damn expensive, especially if I do a cross country trip like I want. We will have to see what the summer brings!!

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    5. Yes to the RV trip! We did that 4 years ago & were hoping to go again this summer, but our friends had to back out. Suggest splitting the cost w/ friends - I don't remember it being too expensive that way. Cheaper than hotel + rental car, plus you'll be eating cheaply. We went out west, but we'd like to do a more local/east coast RV trip and maybe that is a possibility for you? NC/TN/VA/WV would all be fun!

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    6. i don't know if you would consider this, but Sly and I have rented Campervans in Hawaii and New Zealand -- and have LOVED traveling this way. For one, it's usually cheaper (rental + gas) and it's much easier to drive and find camping spots (you can technically use a tent camping space). The downside, depending on what you like, is that they are much smaller and less luxurious. We thought it was great for 2-4 people, but beyond that there's no way. It just depends on the size of the campervan (a Westy is good for 4, a WickedCamper, 3). It doesn't seem as popular a thing to do in the US or on the East Coast, but there are places - most require pick/up and drop off somewhere out West though, but maybe it could be an option?

      http://www.campervannorthamerica.com/
      http://www.wickedcampers.ca/
      http://www.escapecampervans.com/

      Alternately, you could probably also just rent a van and trick it out in the same way. OR maybe you could get one of those tents that goes on top of your car and folds out (we have been contemplating getting one of these for so long...).

      http://tepuitents.com/

      Of course none of these options are quite the same as a real RV, but still, they are options!

      I have an old Subaru Forester hatchback that we have slept in the back of many a time. Just hang up some curtains and instant campervan! We are probably more 'rustic' than most -- and don't have little ones -- so maybe that sounds more like a nightmare than "fun."

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    7. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all this info!! I am definitely more rustic, and don't need the luxuries . . . although some of my medical issues require some room for maintenance. I will look into all of this!! I didn't know you went to Hawaii too!!

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  4. Karen - have you heard of this program? https://firstdescents.org/ Seems like it would be a good fit for you. Love that article about the healing properties of nature, too - something we all need to remember and appreciate more.

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    1. I have Rachel! In fact, I applied and they had room in their kayaking program in North Carolina. But they only had weeks available in May, and I am having my first procedure on May 14, and will feel pretty bad for at least a week, according to doc. So, I decided to not go for it. Maybe later in the year!! I am not into surfing, but I used to rock climb - so if I get my energy back that might be a possibility!

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    2. Sending good thoughts for your liver upgrade and hoping you can participate in one of the adventures later in the year - it sounds awesome! In the meantime, I love that you're getting outside whenever you get the chance. :)

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  5. I love how you set out to live your life to the best of your ability. You're an inspiration.

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