Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I want to be old some day too

Here are issues I have with dying:

1. I am only 37 years old
2. I am only 37 years old with a 3 year old son
3. I really want to see B grow up (but not Chuck E. Cheese, he's creepy)

4. He needs me and I need him
5. I could go on and on about how I need to be there when he is learning to read and when he starts kindergarten, and loses his first too and graduates and . . . but I will just refer back to number 4.
6. I looked forward to getting old
7. I looked forward to getting old and becoming a gardener
8. I looked forward to getting old and becoming a traveler
9. I will miss snow, the holidays, my family and friends, cheese, chocolate, the way B's hair smells 
10. I never drew or painted that one piece of work that would sell to thousands
11. This is a never ending list. I am sure I will have more by tomorrow

Update: Yesterday I went to get my second dose of chemo. I actually get 3 types! I have been showing allergic reactions to one of the types, usually I feel nauseous and once I got a rash. But yesterday my body went into shock. It was scary but the whole thing was done and over within 15 minutes. However, no more of that chemo type for me. Or maybe I will get smaller doses. I am pissed because that chemo was doing more for me than the others. 


  1. As always, thank you for your thought-provoking posts. I hope this new treatment brings you comfort.

  2. What a wonderful gift for Brycen, both your photo blog as well as the scrapbooks you have been making.

    I think everyone has a difficult time processing what is happening. It just doesn't seem real.
    But we are all in the same universal boat called life; unfair, unjust, unequal.

    While I am sorry about the cards you got, I have no way of knowing if my cards are better or not...it's just what was dealt.

    I sometimes wonder why I am white, middle class, female in the USA when I coulda been any other person on earth.

    No one asks to be born the person they are, it just happens.
    It is up to the people already here to be loving, supportive, a guide to the new guys.

    Your parents sure did that with you, Karen, and you in turn have done that for B.

    I have wished and prayed that you could see Brycen cross all the milestone moments he has ahead.
    And you will be with him, always.

    The grace-filled way you have lived this past year especially has shown to your many friends and family your gifts of strength and courage, steadfastness, faithfulness and optimism...and others I can't spell.

    You are not giving up, you are preparing for the next adventure.
    Your spirituality may be different than mine, but I don't think it's one that ends here.

    I give you love, I give you deep peace.
    Aunt Patty

  3. For what it's worth I haven't known you that long at all -- and only in the blogosphere -- but you and your life has made an impact on me. I can only imagine that it will be a million-fold for your son and your family.

    My dad passed away nearly 9 yrs ago and 'missed out' on so many life events that I wish he could have been there for, but, even after all this time the memory of him is still so strong. He's physically gone but I carry him with me always. It's a small consolation, I know.

    I have come to understand that there's never enough time with the people you love, no matter what that time span is.

    On another note, have you read this article? It reminded me of you in the way that you have been creating so many memories and documenting them for your son.


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